Help! I’m Really Unhappy With The Rehearsal Dinner My Fiance’s Family Is Planning
By Meghan Ely, OFD Consulting
Planning your wedding allows full control — from the people you hire to the cake flavor, you get to call every shot. As a result, your wedding day comes out exactly how you envisioned it! However, the rehearsal dinner can be a different story for some couples.
The rehearsal dinner is customarily hosted by the groom’s parents, though this practice isn’t held strictly for modern weddings. Budgetary factors, scheduling conflicts, and family dynamics can impact hosting duties.
Still, many couples abide by tradition with one family paying for the wedding and the other covering the rehearsal dinner. As such, the party responsible for funding each event typically gets decision-making privileges. For the rehearsal dinner, this can include selecting a venue, curating the menu, and planning activities for the evening.
So, what happens when you learn the rehearsal dinner plans aren’t coming together how you expected? Whether it’s the wrong cuisine or an unapproved guest list, it’s challenging to sit back and let someone plan an event on your behalf — especially one intended to kick off your wedding celebration.
If you find yourself in such a situation, the first step is to bring it up with your partner. Remember it’s their rehearsal dinner, too! Getting their input can help you form a plan of action and address the issue together.
Photo credit: Amy Kolo Photography
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“This celebration is about the two of you as a couple–– working as a team is key,” reminds Megan Breukelman of Megan & Kenneth. “It's important to express your thoughts and find a compromise together, ensuring you're both satisfied.”
Tread lightly, though. If your partner’s parents are hosting, Rebecca Martens of Belle Events cautions against putting your fiancé(e) in the middle. Asking them to deal with their parents alone “can put a strain on your relationship,” she asserts. “You should be on the same page when you go to discuss the dinner with the family.”
Consider together whether bringing it up is worth the potential consequences. Approaching your in-laws (or any host, for that matter) to criticize their hard work can cause hurt feelings that last long past the wedding, even if it’s not your intention.
Nora Sheils of Bridal Bliss and Rock Paper Coin notes that the solution “is determined by the level of severity. Is it minor and something people might not notice? If so, let it fly to keep your relationship with your in-laws solid.”
But say it’s something you can’t overlook. For example, if you’re a vegetarian, it’s hard to ignore a choice to host your rehearsal dinner at a steakhouse. If you’re losing sleep over it, Sheils recommends “having an open and honest conversation about it directly.” While you don’t want to seem unappreciative or overcontrolling, your rehearsal dinner is a celebration of your love story — you should be excited for it!
You ultimately have three options: take over the planning (and expense), address the issue and find a compromise, or simply deal with it. Let’s walk through each of these choices.
Solution #1: Pay for the rehearsal dinner so you can exercise complete control.
In many cases, this is the nuclear option. While it allows you to make all final decisions, it can come across as ungrateful or even callous towards your soon-to-be in-laws.
However, Keith Willard of Keith Willard Events confirms that “the one that controls the money controls the event.” So, if you’re unhappy with how your rehearsal dinner is being planned and want to take the reins, you’ll need to assume the cost. “It may be an expense that you were not expecting, but in times of worry, it may be worth it to gain some control,” Willard says.
(Let’s Get Rehearsed editor’s note: For more advice on rehearsal dinner budgeting, check out ‘6 Ways to Save Money On Your Wedding Rehearsal Dinner’ and ‘How Much Should We Spend on the Rehearsal Dinner.‘)
Jordan Roepke of Jordan Roepke Photography agrees, noting that many couples defer to their parents for decision-making due to budget constraints. Unfortunately, “this can create a lot of compromise and tension,” he says. “Sometimes, it’s better to downsize and have things your way than to accept the money and compromise.”
Before making this decision, discuss it with your partner to ensure your choice will not damage any relationships. Approach your future in-laws with compassion and gratitude, explaining that your rehearsal dinner vision doesn’t match theirs.
Photo credit: Anastasiia Photography
Don't get stressed - get Let's Get Rehearsed’s FREE rehearsal dinner guide packed full of everything you need to plan a welcome party, from saving money to celebrating the night before the big day!
Solution #2: Address the misalignment and come to a compromise.
Most of the time, open and honest communication is all you need to reach an agreement. If you intend to express dissatisfaction with the plans, Willard stresses the importance of coming armed with solutions.
“Be specific,” he urges. “Figure out exactly what you are not happy with and then come up with three solutions for each thing.”
Colton Simmons of Colton Simmons Photography agrees, adding that a compromise is often a better outcome than either party getting their way.
“Always lead with gratitude when approaching your partner’s family,” he says. “Find a way to decide on a middle ground between their ideas and yours.”
However, accept that approaching them in any manner might create tension. In that case, Wedding Venue Map’s Shannon Tarrant recommends bringing in a third party for support.
“Reach out to the venue manager or planner to see if you can have them help you guide the conversation with your partner’s family,” she suggests. “Having a professional step in to assist can give you a more unbiased approach to the rehearsal dinner.”
(Let’s Get Rehearsed editor’s note: For more advice on rehearsal dinner experts, check out ‘Do We Need To Hire Vendors For Our Wedding Rehearsal Dinner?’ and ‘Selecting The Right Wedding Rehearsal Dinner Venue’)
Since hosting a rehearsal dinner involves a financial investment, remain mindful that your in-laws might make decisions around their budget. If they’re unable to squeeze in a certain element—like booking your wedding photographer for the night or offering open bar—consider paying for that item or having your family sponsor it. That way, you get the evening you desire while your partner’s family gets to proudly host the dinner.
Photo credit: Jessica K. Feiden Photography
Solution #3: Pick your battles and accept your in-laws’ help.
Sometimes, accepting it is the best course of action. That doesn’t mean carrying resentment throughout the night and after, but instead, adjusting your perspective to one of love and gratitude.
“The rehearsal dinner is a way for your partner's family to welcome you in a way that feels exciting for them,” reminds Christina Lovelace of Lovelace Design. You may not have every detail you envisioned, but you will have a room full of people who love you — and that’s ultimately what your wedding weekend is all about.
“Do your best to see the glass half full in these situations,” Lovelace encourages. “Instead of focusing on things you dislike about the gathering, try focusing on the positive.”
Better yet, Martens recommends leaning into the event, even if it’s not how you imagined. “It’s important to start on the right foot with your future in-laws, so if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em,” she says. “If it’s too casual and you want it to be more formal, ask your guests to wear boots and cocktail dresses to the BBQ joint.”
(Let’s Get Rehearsed editor’s note: For more unique wedding rehearsal dinner inspiration, check out ‘Guest Dress Code Ideas for Your Rehearsal Dinner’ and ‘Ideas For A Pizza-Themed Rehearsal Wedding Dinner.’)
Your rehearsal dinner should represent you and your partner’s relationship, but that’s not always the case when someone else is hosting. While communication is key for navigating disagreements with grace, some couples might benefit from claiming control while others may find the best option is to smile and accept the host’s generosity. Every situation is different, so work with your partner to find the best solution!
Don't get stressed - get Let's Get Rehearsed’s FREE rehearsal dinner guide packed full of everything you need to plan a welcome party, from saving money to celebrating the night before the big day!
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Meghan Ely is the owner of wedding PR and wedding marketing firm OFD Consulting. Ely is a sought-after speaker, adjunct professor in the field of public relations, and a self-professed royal wedding enthusiast.